Well well well, it’s Monday again. I woke up out of my pleasant dream to a cold, wet puddle in my bed, made worse by the fan. I laid there, shielding my shivering body with the covers. I walked into my class with a bandage across my face because of stupid Acne deciding to mark its territory.
Ay, the weekend was good, but… not really. Since I was home from Saturday morning to Sunday night, I had to deal with some extremely slow days. There were times where I just wanted to walk away from the internet and pass out. My head was hurting by the end of Saturday night. I missed not wasting my time at my computer desk in this house, and I missed feeling like I had a life on the weekends.
I did not go to church yesterday. I sat out on going with Franz due to me needing a break from that church, and a break from… Sara. And I intended to fulfill my urge to go to my neighborhood church, but no one wanted to go with me, not even my mother. She says “You don’t need people to go with you!”, but I pictured having to drive there alone, go in there alone and sit awkwardly for two hours, then walk out and drive back, alone. “No one ever goes to church alone!” my mind yelled out to her.
* * *
So anyways, my mental mantra for the day was this: “Every day, I go through mini heartbreaks.”
Yesterday was the first time that I went to one of my own school’s (american) football games. Pitiful, I know, but since I’m a senior, I thought that sooner or later I should do it for the experience, and what an experience it was indeed.
I’m not talking about the actual game, our team is pretty terrible, losing every game this season — even the people at the school knew we were going to lose. But my mother a couple of years ago strongly insisted that I go to their football games, so that I could “meet friends” and “be social”. Knowing me, I passed the offer. But my little brother wanted to go to last night’s game because he’s such a fan, so I thought “why not”?
As soon as we got within 1000 feet of the football field, my mind started thinking about the familiar faces I’d see. I was thinking about who I could spot out from the crowd, and who was going to notice me and say Hi (even though that doesn’t really happen in the halls that much, there was more chance here just because).
So, earlier this week on a previous post, I was nominated for the Liebster Award by Kayliekayls! Bold was she to have ventured on this turf and deem it worthy of Liebsterness, so I indeed thank her for that. I took a quick look at what this exactly was, and it seems like a great activity. The Liebster award is an award made by bloggers and intended for those blogs who have less than 200 followers. It’s a nice way to connect all of the blogs we’ve nominated and been nominated by in a large, large chain. (I actually pondered over it a couple of mornings ago.)
I expect to see certain people on certain days at certain times. I expect certain things to happen when I see those people. I have expectations for good days, for certain snacks to be in my lunch bag when I get hungry, for routine things to happen in my classes every day. Hell, I expect likes, comments, and follows to flow in after this very post. But when expectations aren’t met, that causes a little emotion in me called “Disappointment.”
I’ve trained myself to “expect” as little as possible, because unfortunately, my expectations are rarely met.
Remember in my Mellowizing post, I mentioned that my non-mutual best friend at the school said that she wasn’t coming today for some “important” reason. Because of the terrifying news, I’ve expected today to be very boring. And indeed, it was — at first. 1st period was, 2nd period was kind of, 3rd was kind of. But the 4th period, the one that she had with me, was actually, good.
You want to know what I have mixed feelings about? My mood has a dependency on the weather outside. Reason I say that is, when it’s blue out there, I’m more upbeat. I’m more “energized”, and I put myself out a little more. When it’s not so blue, I get totally mellowed by the grayness, and I wallow in my grayness in my own little bubble.
And guess what today was?
Mash that in with the natural mellowizing of the sickness I’m recovering from, and you get a mush of clumpy AtherMatter. That’s how it went today. That’s how I currently feel. It’s that feeling smack in the middle of apathy, and depression. Like, I should be upset about the things that went on, but I don’t really care to be upset.
*sigh*, I thought that my body would attain immunity from disease by now. I’ve been sick since around two nights ago, and my nose has been running marathons.
I hate the fact that I have to deal with falling into sickness every now and then, but I like the feeling that it gives. I sniff and sneeze and feel like dirt, but whenever sickness comes in, it forces stress to take a vacation.
Unfortunately, the only picture that I drew yesterday was turned in, so no photo for this post. I’m just going to hang around the WordPress world, maybe post when I feel on top of my own body again.
Ah well, cheers.